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| Don't wear a cone of shame! |
“I can’t” gets my attention.
It alerts me to an opportunity to watch and learn the character of the
individual who made the protestation. “I
can’t” is a pivotal decision point – what happens next will tell you everything
you need to know about the person.
“I can’t” may be a very factual statement and taken without
further information is not worthy of judgment; instead further inquiry and
observation is in order. “Why can’t you?”, “Are you willing to try?”, “If you
truly can’t, what are you going to do about it?”, “If you have tried and still
can’t, is there something else you can do to compensate for this deficiency?”
Lack of ability to accomplish a specific task is not
disgraceful IF and ONLY IF you have exhausted the alternatives. It IS disgraceful to be faced with an
obstacle and throw your hands up without even trying. Too many people are too willing to give up
before they even try because this is the easy path – in their mind it negates
their personal responsibility. It also
indicates that they feel it is someone else’s responsibility to fix the problem
for them. Furthermore, if you step in to resolve their problem before they even
try for themselves, you are enabling this negative behavior. Shame on them for
not trying! Shame on us for encouraging them not to try in the future!
This is not just an issue of parents and children, though
that is where the behavior often starts.
This is a societal problem and it is rampant.
BOB: “I can’t pay my bills!”
SAM:
“Why not?”
BOB: “We have run up our credit cards?”
SAM: “What
did you spend the money on – medical bills, car repairs?”
BOB: “No – nothing like that we took a cruise
last year, we bought some new furniture – stuff like
that.”
SAM: “So
what are you going to do about it?”
BOB: “It’s so bad we might need to declare
bankruptcy”
SAM: “Have
you tried looking for a second job?”
BOB: “I can’t do that?”
SAM: “Why
not?”
BOB: “I won’t be able to spend as much time with
the kids if I am working two jobs?”
SAM: “So
instead you will shift the burden of paying your bills to someone else through
bankruptcy?”
BOB: “Well, would you be willing to lend me the
money till we get back on our feet?”
SAM: “So
you want me to bail you out with a promise you will pay me back?
Why is it again you can’t work a part time
job to help start paying back the money you
owe?”
BOB: “I told you I don’t want to take time away
from my kids?”
SAM: “So
you want to teach your kids that you can be irresponsible with money and it is
OK
to let someone else fix the problem?”
This conversation can go on and on with the Bob not willing
to solve the problem he created; while Sam eventually having to walk away
because the deadbeat will never understand.
At what point do you start to demand a person take
responsibility for themselves. The
answer is IMMEDIATELY. Empower the
person in trouble to start taking actions for themselves – even small actions
to resolve the problem will help to give them momentum to tackle the larger
issue. They may still need help and we
should be willing to help them IF and ONLY IF they are taking direct actions
themselves to try to resolve the problem first.
If in the scenario above the debt was caused by a medical
emergency, the person in trouble had already taken on an additional part time
job to help cover the debt and they still could not get out from under it then
we should be ready to step up and help in any way we can. It is our moral and ethical responsibility to
help those in need who cannot do for themselves.
The above scenario was one of a financial nature. Let’s look
at something more practical. If you see
an innocent elderly person being accosted by a thug who is trying to hurt them
– should we intervene. I would answer a
resolute YES. Have someone call 911 and
intervene to try and protect the elderly person if you have the means to do so.
Alternatively, if you were at a
restaurant or bar enjoying an evening with your spouse or some good friends and
the guy next to you starts an altercation with someone who is bigger than him
and gets pummeled and shouts for help are you obligated to interfere because
you have martial skills and are capable of taking out the bigger guy. Not me.
I did not create the problem, nor do I feel it is my moral or ethical
responsibility to use my skills in defense of the idiot who started the
situation in the first place.
There are many things I cannot do. However, if the problem
is outside my ability I do not throw my hands up and wait for someone else to
fix it. You start by getting educated. You
start by analyzing what is really going on. You start by seeing if there is
someone who can give you guidance to resolving the problem. You take
action. When your action indicates that
there is no way you can do this by yourself then by all means seek
assistance. If you have taken action
already you will be able to tell the person whose help you are seeking what you
have already done – this will show that you are trying to resolve the problem
and that there is a bunch of stuff which you have already tried and it has not
worked. Your helper will now be better
educated on the situation and also much more likely to be willing to offer
their assistance. Or you can throw your
hands up right away and say “I can’t” and wait for someone else to solve it for
you – we call these type of people sheep.
The choice is yours every day – every problem – every opportunity.
Tang Soo!
Master Scott C. Homschek
Photo Credit: By MythicSeabass from Olympia, WA (Cone of Shame)
[CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
